Friday, May 27, 2005

Mr. Michael

Mr. Michael was his name
People cried "your kinda lame"
He was short and fat
For all day he just sat

Another adult children's book....

I am enjoying writing this series of fairy tales for adults:

My heart beats strong
This head is clear
I was not wrong
I should not fear

The day is passing
The night is still
No one's harrassing
I found the will

There was a day
twelve years ago
that i would pray
just to know

the day could pass
the night could still
without the gas
i climbed the hill

the spit would fly
the fists did soar
there was no cry
i would not roar

the hill was steep
it rose and rose
i did not creep
i did not dose

and at the peak
the sun was setting
what did i seek
what was i getting

and than i saw it
plan as day
my past did fit
i'd found the way

i was climbing
from myself
no more mining
i held the wealth

My heart beats strong
This head is clear
I was not wrong
I should not fear

why should they even talk about it? It was one date, nobody needs to be jumping up and down about anything yet. too soon. if they become serious, and

Right now I am sitting at the receptionist's desk answering the phone. The office next door is painting - it smells like a can of paint - yuck. When i was typing the subject of this entry this just popped in!! I have no idea what it means but I like it!!!

There was this girl
let's call her pearl
she screams at work
"my boss the jerk"

At nine we smoke
she'd laugh and joke
To help the day
feel a okay

She'd Bitch about
her work amount
in life's big map
her job was crap

yet every day
poor pearl would pray
to ask for hope
she'd leave the dope

At half past four
he'd close the door
to clip his nail
and read the mail

pearl would smile
as she's compile
her clever plot
to leave the lot

and what's the tale?
her holy grail?
with a giant heave
our pearl took leave

our friend did well
she left her hell
she was no bore
she bought a store

a magic place
she did embrace
the mystery cooks
but now in books

that is that story
in all it's glory
about my friend
that's it the end

A Poem about Working

I wrote this poem two summers ago about my horrible corporate job as an event planner for a financial company.

Sometimes, I wake from sleep at 2:00
with this heart of mine so heavy and blue.
I stand up straight and feel the floor
It's cold and hard like my dull roar.
I stare and dream until the hour
when it's time for me to take a shower.
Today, again, I crossed the line
to my crappy job that I say is fine.
My boss, she's strange, an empty shell
of the woman she was before this hell
An opera gal of twenty years
with a voice that brought grown men to tears
The other folks are not complex
they know three nouns, a verb, and one dark hex
And in my cubicle I sit
between the bots who shit on wit
They glare and stare wearing a snear
It's me the loud and brave they fear.
That's when I remember a simple tale
A dream I had of a tall, gay male
Who left that job when the time was right
and forever more slept through the night.

Thursday, May 26, 2005


day job, day job, help, help, help
i walk to work without a yelp
get off the train at five to eight
rush to my desk i can not wait

day job, day job, why, why, why
you drain my heart i start to cry
to create, is my big wish
a final script about a fish

day job, day job, kill kill kill
it's hard to stay and find the will
but yet again i will awake
at 6 am a shower to take

day job, day job, bye, bye, bye
soon one day i have to try
at 9 am i will wake up
to write that script and and pour a cup


Ok I am blogging from my phone technology rocks
Sent via BlackBerry from Cingular Wireless

Confession for May 26, 2005

The complete title of this blog is "If I Told the Truth: Confessions of an Overweight Chain Smoking, Fairy".

I guess it's time to confess the why I eat. I used to say it was because I like food. Or that I really don't eat that much. These things are all lies. Big fat lies. Oprah Winfrey asks us to figure out why we eat. ANd the other day I had a major break through. I eat to protect myself. I have control of it. I also think I use it to hide from people. I have always been afraid of the sucrinty of others. Growing up in a small town, people tend to always be in your business.

But what I realized is this, straight people get to learn how to handle sexual energy in junior high and high school. They learn what it's like to have people hit on you and find you attractive. They learn what it's like to handle sexual power. For me, coming out when I did, in college, I never learned how to handle that kind of energy. I was thrust into a very preditory world and because I was thin, tall, dark, and young, I was a target of a lot of sexual attention. I just could handle it. I withdrew from the gay community, befriended mostly straight women, and surrounded myself with people who didn't hold any sexual desire. Sex became a dark and scary thing.

So I used food as a protection, and a friend to hide my fear. To this day, while I am in a great relationship, I am still terribly uncomfortable with the attention of strange men. It frightens me.

I am hoping that through understanding this I will be able to stop the cycle of eating out of emotional fear.