Confession for May 26, 2005

The complete title of this blog is "If I Told the Truth: Confessions of an Overweight Chain Smoking, Fairy".

I guess it's time to confess the why I eat. I used to say it was because I like food. Or that I really don't eat that much. These things are all lies. Big fat lies. Oprah Winfrey asks us to figure out why we eat. ANd the other day I had a major break through. I eat to protect myself. I have control of it. I also think I use it to hide from people. I have always been afraid of the sucrinty of others. Growing up in a small town, people tend to always be in your business.

But what I realized is this, straight people get to learn how to handle sexual energy in junior high and high school. They learn what it's like to have people hit on you and find you attractive. They learn what it's like to handle sexual power. For me, coming out when I did, in college, I never learned how to handle that kind of energy. I was thrust into a very preditory world and because I was thin, tall, dark, and young, I was a target of a lot of sexual attention. I just could handle it. I withdrew from the gay community, befriended mostly straight women, and surrounded myself with people who didn't hold any sexual desire. Sex became a dark and scary thing.

So I used food as a protection, and a friend to hide my fear. To this day, while I am in a great relationship, I am still terribly uncomfortable with the attention of strange men. It frightens me.

I am hoping that through understanding this I will be able to stop the cycle of eating out of emotional fear.