DAY JOB, DAY JOB, HELP HELP HELP

day job, day job, help, help, help
i walk to work without a yelp
get off the train at five to eight
rush to my desk i can not wait

day job, day job, why, why, why
you drain my heart i start to cry
to create, is my big wish
a final script about a fish

day job, day job, kill kill kill
it's hard to stay and find the will
but yet again i will awake
at 6 am a shower to take

day job, day job, bye, bye, bye
soon one day i have to try
at 9 am i will wake up
to write that script and and pour a cup

Technology

Ok I am blogging from my phone technology rocks
Sent via BlackBerry from Cingular Wireless

Confession for May 26, 2005

The complete title of this blog is "If I Told the Truth: Confessions of an Overweight Chain Smoking, Fairy".

I guess it's time to confess the why I eat. I used to say it was because I like food. Or that I really don't eat that much. These things are all lies. Big fat lies. Oprah Winfrey asks us to figure out why we eat. ANd the other day I had a major break through. I eat to protect myself. I have control of it. I also think I use it to hide from people. I have always been afraid of the sucrinty of others. Growing up in a small town, people tend to always be in your business.

But what I realized is this, straight people get to learn how to handle sexual energy in junior high and high school. They learn what it's like to have people hit on you and find you attractive. They learn what it's like to handle sexual power. For me, coming out when I did, in college, I never learned how to handle that kind of energy. I was thrust into a very preditory world and because I was thin, tall, dark, and young, I was a target of a lot of sexual attention. I just could handle it. I withdrew from the gay community, befriended mostly straight women, and surrounded myself with people who didn't hold any sexual desire. Sex became a dark and scary thing.

So I used food as a protection, and a friend to hide my fear. To this day, while I am in a great relationship, I am still terribly uncomfortable with the attention of strange men. It frightens me.

I am hoping that through understanding this I will be able to stop the cycle of eating out of emotional fear.

jason

jason
Originally uploaded by jasonpsmith.

It's me

Back to the Blog

Well, it's been a while. Of course, it always is. I am such a bad journaler? Ok so. still 290 million pounds. I hate it. But, we have started eating better foods and foods that are organic. I just got Sirius Radio! Hurrah. I still don't have a full-time job - Which might mean, that I am not suppose to go that angle. I need to focus on creating some great work. Check out the theater company I am forming www.threecattheater.com. It's a great site, still in progress. OK. I am going to try and right more often. Wish me luck. Check out Derek and Romaine. Great site.

back to minneapolis

today is friday - we are leaving minneapolis later this afternoon. i don't really want to go but it will so good to see all my friends. i am losing weight - hurray 288lbs. not too bad for a couple of weeks. my first goal is to get to 250 - than 225 than 200 - that should be a health weight for me. hurrah! than fucking god cause i wasn't sure i could handle being so fat. smoking is still my weakness. i am gonna wait to quit until we get back - like i can not smoke around my friends. i have a new web site - jasonpaulsmith.com

on the flight i am going to write a few reviews for my brothers web site. "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" and "Elaine Stritch: At Liberty" both really great DVD's.

and that's the truth

Chicago Adventure

i am sitting on my ass right now. i shouldn't but i am. i went to the gym today. i weighed myself and i weigh 300 pounds. i can't believe i am this fat. so i am going to lose weight. i would like to get down to 200 pounds. i think i can do it. i hate the idea of me being this fat. i am going to a cool gym called the Cheetah gym. it's gay friendly. i haven't been feeling that great about myself lately. i need to get a job. i need to get some friends in Chicago. i need to start working on a theater project.

and that's the truth...